Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Essay: Is free will real?

Is Free Will Real?
The protagonist of Kurt Vonnegut’s Slaughterhouse-Five is a World War II veteran named Billy Pilgrim who is kidnapped and taken to the planet Tralfamadore, where he is displayed in a zoo. The Tralfamadorians--“two feet high, and green, and shaped like plumber’s friends” (26)--can see in four dimensions (the fourth dimension being time). To them, “outer space looks like rarefied, luminous spaghetti” because they “can see where each star has been and where it is going.” People look like “great millepedes--with babies’ legs at one end and old people’s legs at the other” (87).
Because they can see the future, the Tralfamadorians don’t believe in free will. They say they know how the world will end: “We blow it up, experimenting with test fuels for our flying saucers,” the guide at the zoo tells Billy. “A Tralfamadorian test pilot presses a starter button, and the whole Universe disappears.” But they don’t think they can do anything with this knowledge: “He has always pressed the button, and he always will. We always let him and we always will let him. The moment is structured that way.” The Tralfamadorian guide tells Billy there’s no point in trying to prevent wars on Earth. Better, he says, to just “ignore the awful times and concentrate on the good ones” (117).
Readers who miss Vonnegut’s satire think that he’s actually saying free will is an illusion. In fact, the Tralfamadorians are probably not even real; Vonnegut emphasizes over and over that Billy is the lone source of the information about them. And they trap themselves in a logical contradiction: Their decision to ignore wars and devastation and “spend eternity looking at pleasant moments” is a clear act of free will.
Vonnegut encapsulates his true worldview by alluding to the “serenity prayer,” which is best known for its use Alcoholics Anonymous programs: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom always to know the difference” (60,209). Contrary to Billy’s comical misinterpretation--”Among the things Billy Pilgrim could not change were the past, the present and the future”--the quote highlights the human capacity to use free will, even in an imperfect world. Vonnegut acknowledges that human nature brings about human suffering, but he also claims that suffering is not inevitable.
In making this argument, Vonnegut offers his own answer to a question that has consumed humans for millenia: How much control do they have over the events of their lives?
Plato argued that humans possessed a “rational” part of the soul, which distinguished them from animals and enabled them to exercise free will. But he also believed the human soul had “spiritual” and “appetitive” aspects, each of which exerted an influence (O’Connor). In other words, people have some amount of control over their lives, but it’s limited.
Plato’s fellow Athenian, the playwright Sophocles, also tackled the concept of free will. In Oedipus Rex, the protagonist is unable to outrun the fate ordained by the gods: He kills his father and marries his mother. On the surface, it seems pretty clear that Sophocles is arguing against the existence of free will. But a close reading reveals that it’s more complicated than that. Oedipus kills his father Laius (who he doesn’t realize is his father) at a crossroads, the symbolism of which is almost universal  (62). (I say almost because it’s never a good idea to say something is always true in literature.) This suggests that Oedipus has a choice: He could go down the road of good, but he instead chooses the road of evil. He makes this choice, following the structure of Greek tragedies, because of his tragic flaw (one of several tragic flaws, actually): his temper. Like Vonnegut, Sophocles argues that humans have free will, but that human nature leads people to use free will for bad things.
The gods don’t make Oedipus’ fate come true; rather, they are able to predict how he will use the character traits they have given him. This leaves the question of fate versus free will unanswered, because it seems to promote determinism and free will at the same time.
Sophocles died two thousand years before the Scientific Revolution, but the contradictions in Oedipus are prescient given what scientists now know about how the human body works.
Molecular biology reduces humans’ thoughts, feelings, desires, and decisions to a series of chemical reactions. Chemicals react with each other according to laws of nature which cannot be broken. Therefore, if it were possible to look inside a person’s brain and observe the chemical reactions taking place, it would be possible to predict the person’s decision with certainty. Recent neuroscience research has found that, in many cases, intentional actions happen before people are conscious of them (Coyne).
Jerry A. Coyne, an ecologist and evolutionary biologist at the University of Chicago, argues that this proves the nonexistence of free will: “To assert that we can freely choose among alternatives is to claim that we can somehow step outside the physical structure of our brain and change its workings. That is impossible. Like the output of a programmed computer, only one choice is ever physically possible: the one you made. ...No, we couldn’t have had that V8, and Robert Frost couldn’t have taken the other road.”
But others argue that this is missing the point. Social psychologist Roy Baumeister and Florida State philosophy professor Alfred R. Mele, among others, say that the science-based case against free will is a straw-man argument: Philosophers (and most people) can accept the idea of free will without what Coyne calls “a spooky, nonphysical ‘will’ that can redirect our own molecules” calling the shots.
Baumeister invokes Nobel Prize-winning physicist Philip Anderson, who wrote in 1973: “One may array the sciences roughly linearly in a hierarchy, according to the idea: The elementary entities of science X obey the laws of science Y. But this hierarchy does not imply that science X is ‘just applied Y.’ At each stage entirely new laws, concepts, and generalizations are necessary” (363). Applying Anderson’s idea to the free will debate, decisions are indeed a product of chemical reactions, but they exist on a higher level of complexity than chemical reactions, so the laws of chemistry alone aren’t enough to explain how decisions work. It is therefore possible for free will to exist alongside the laws of nature.
“There is no need to insist that free will is some kind of magical violation of causality,” Baumeister writes. “Free will is just another kind of cause.” It has to compete with other causes, like impulses and environmental stimuli--the “appetitive” parts of human nature, in Plato’s words. Human will doesn’t always win out, as any person who has ever eaten chocolate cake while on a diet knows. And of course, cultural expectations and social relationships--with peers, parents, and siblings--can impact decision-making, sometimes without people realizing it. People are wrong to believe they can always, as philosopher and cognitive scientist Shaun Nichols puts it, “access the factors affecting their choices.” But they do have the ability to make those choices, and the only way for them to lose that power is if they choose not to use it, like Billy Pilgrim.
In Freakonomics, authors Steven D. Levitt and Stephen J. Dubner present the stories of two boys. One grows up in the Chicago suburbs with all the sociological advantages: he’s white, with doting parents who read to him and take him on nature hikes. He’s a math genius who skips a grade in school. The other boy grows up in Daytona Beach, Florida with every possible disadvantage: he’s black, his mother abandons him when he’s two years old, his father is a violent alcoholic who eventually goes to jail for sexual assault. It’s not that surprising that the first child ends up at Harvard; it’s also not that surprising that the second child is on the streets by his teenage years, selling drugs and carrying a gun (156-57). What is surprising is that in their adult lives, the first child, Ted Kaczynski, turns into the Unabomber, while the second child, Roland G. Fryer, becomes a Harvard economics professor (211).
People of all philosophical persuasions can find something in these stories to support their point of view. Fryer’s ascent perhaps demonstrates the power of free will to help people overcome difficult circumstances. Or it illustrates the power of environmental factors, because surely there were professors or adults who guided him along the way. Likewise, Kaczynski’s actions could be the result of a free decision to do wrong or the result of a declining mental state, which he couldn’t control. But most people would agree that the truth lies somewhere in between.
The things that people cannot change constrain the choices that people can make. But that doesn’t mean there are no choices to make.

Works Cited
Anderson, Philip. “More Is Different: Broken Symmetry and the Nature of the Hierarchical Structure of Science.” Science 177 (1972): 393-96. World Scientific. Web. 20 May 2015.
Baumeister, Roy F. “Do You Really Have Free Will? Of Course. Here’s How It Evolved.” Slate. Slate Group, 25 Sept. 2013. Web. 18 May 2015.
Coyne, Jerry. "You Don't Have Free Will." Chronicle of Higher Education. Chronicle of Higher Education, 18 Mar. 2012. Web. 20 May 2015.
Levitt, Steven D., and Stephen J. Dubner. Freakonomics. New York: Harper Collins, 2009. Print.
Mele, Alfred R. "The Case against the Case against Free Will." Chronicle of Higher Education. Chronicle of Higher Education, 18 Mar. 2012. Web. 20 May 2015.
Nichols, Shaun. “Perspectives: Is Free Will an Illusion?” Scientific American Nov.-Dec. 2011: n. pag. Scientific American. Web. 19 May 2015.
O’Connor, Timothy. “Free Will.” Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy. Stanford University, 29 Oct. 2010. Web. 18 May 2015.
Sophocles. “Oedipus the King.” Three Theban Plays. Trans. Theodore  Howard Banks. New York: Oxford, 1956. 39-83. Print.
Vonnegut, Kurt. Slaughterhouse-Five. New York: Random House, 1969. Print.

Monday, May 18, 2015

Dear Reader...

Dear Reader,


I don’t know about you, but I have regrets. There are things I’ve said and things I’ve done that I wish I could unsay and undo. “If I knew then what I know now…” is, to me, the story of human existence. And it’s pointless to finish the hypothetical, because 1) you can’t go back and 2) the only reason you know what you know now is that you screwed up then. But I can’t help myself: Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I could go back and make a different decision, or change someone else’s decision that affected me. I know that in some way--maybe massive, maybe too small to notice--I would be a different person today.


I’ve thought a lot about this topic, but the book I read for this project, Freakonomics, stimulated me to think some more. The story about Ted Kaczynski (aka the Unabomber) and Roland G. Fryer made me wonder: What is it that makes a life turn out the way it does? Is it fate? Random chance? The environment? The will (or lack thereof) to overcome difficulties? All of my pieces for this project reflect that concern in some way.


The first piece, a pantoum called “Here/There”, shows my existential anxiety. I know which road I’ve taken, but I don’t know if it was the right one or what the other one would have been like, and I struggle with that. I think the genre is good for my purpose because the repeated lines evoke the cascade of thoughts in a restless brain, and I’ve certainly lost some sleep thinking about this stuff.


The second piece is a personal narrative entitled “The Bike.” (Be forewarned: It’s pretty long.) In it, I recall an event that seemed small at the time but ended up transforming my life (and I don’t think that’s an understatement). Underlying the whole thing is the same question I discussed above: What if this little thing hadn’t happened? But the tone of the piece isn’t really anxious; you could almost call it romantic. I’m looking back fondly at my 14- and 15-year-old self.


It’s not a coincidence that at the moment when I’m about to graduate from high school, I’m remembering what I was like at the beginning of high school. My thoughts about the last four years are conflicted. I think of my high school freshman self as a clean slate: a kid who could have turned into almost anything. Back then, when I closed my eyes, I could see myself going to Harvard. I could also see myself being a professional tennis player. I could also see myself dropping out of school and riding my bike around all day.


The last four years have unfolded, and I don’t have much to complain about. I have a lot of great memories from high school. (Don’t tell anyone, but part of me wishes I could stay.)


Still, I’ve realized that I miss the sense of possibility that I had four years ago. Not that my life is over now that I’m eighteen years old, but it feels like the path has narrowed. I didn’t apply to Harvard, I didn’t drop out of high school, and I might not ever make it to state for tennis, let alone be a professional player. None of those things was ever likely, and I don’t know if I would have really wanted any of them, but it was cool that when I closed my eyes none of them seemed completely crazy.


Those last three paragraphs are a bunch of BS.


I mean, they’re not entirely untrue, but they’re missing some key facts. My 14-year-old self was not a clean slate. I was tormented by existential questions: Why am I here? What am I supposed to do with my life? Why are some people poor and hungry while I’m living in luxury? Why is it that I can live in luxury and still not feel happy? Those questions were what sent me out on the bike in search of answers. Somehow the questions were less overwhelming when I was moving, having an adventure.


I was also painfully shy, as I describe in “The Bike.” I didn’t have a lot of friends in middle school. It is what it is. I don’t hold anything against the people who weren’t very nice to me in sixth and seventh grade. It’s just a bad age. I’m friends with a lot of those people now. But even though people had gotten nicer by high school, there’s no doubt that my previous experiences of social rejection still affected me in the early years of high school. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about that too. I told you I had regrets, and some of my regrets from those years stem from craving social acceptance and doing the wrong thing. Not drugs or anything like that, but other stuff.


I know a decent number of freshmen, and sometimes I’ve caught myself thinking of them as clean slates, the same way I think of my freshman self. And it’s not entirely wrong, because it is an age of rapid change, both because of biology (the brain is developing really fast) and social custom (the transition to high school). But it’s not right either. In a nutshell, that’s what the third piece, a “quality” entitled “Hindsight,” is about. I’m shocking myself back to reality. It gets a little dark at the end, just so you know.


The fourth piece is another pantoum, called “Downhill From Here.” The repetition of the genre, which is my “golden thread,” demonstrates a subtle evolution. I’m still uneasy about the past, the future, and the road not taken, but I come to embrace the uncertainty. The title is intentionally confusing--”all downhill from here” is generally a bad thing, but the poem shows my acceptance of reality, which is a good thing. I’m still a little uncomfortable and confused, but I’m less uncomfortable and confused than before.


My expository essay explores the concept of free will. I wrote a paper and at least one in-class essay about the topic this year, and I could probably write a whole book about it at this point. I struggled to keep it short, but hopefully it’s worth reading despite its length. It was fun to write because I integrated literature (Slaughterhouse-Five and Oedipus) with philosophy and science.

This letter is long enough to be two more pieces by itself, so I’ll stop here. I hope you enjoy my project as much as I enjoyed working on it.

Here/There (start with this one)

Here/There
I woke up here when I thought I would be there
The grass was green on both sides of the fence--
Not better or worse, just not the same
I ask myself, How did I end up here?

The grass was green on both sides of the fence--
Thunder over here, lightning over there
I ask myself, How did I end up here?
I’m stuck here without knowing

Thunder over here, lightning over there
A blessing or a curse?
I’m stuck here without knowing
And with no way to get back

A blessing or a curse?
I woke up here when I thought I would be there
And with no way to get back
Not better or worse, just not the same

The Bike

The Bike
I was desperate. It was Friday of the last week before eighth grade, and I needed something to do.
My options were limited that week: I was home alone--I’m an only child, and my parents were at work all day--with no way to get around other than my own two feet. I didn’t have a lot of friends, and I wasn’t inclined to initiate plans with the friends I did have. If my memory serves me well, I went to the park with my friend Luis one of those days and we kicked a soccer ball around for a while. But that was it.
The days followed a similar routine--get up in the morning (I’ve never liked to sleep in), eat breakfast, surf the Internet for a while, eat lunch, shoot on the neighbors’ basketball hoop (they didn’t mind), surf the Internet some more, shoot some more hoops, eat dinner, fall asleep on the couch with the TV on. Other than my trip to the orthodontist to have my braces put on, I made it to Friday without going more than three blocks from my house.
When going to the orthodontist is a way to break up the monotony, you know you’re having a pretty boring week. But truth be told, I was pretty happy. I enjoyed the sweat on my forehead as I shot hoops in the heat, the sound of the ball swishing through the net (which happened pretty often--I had a jump shot back in the day). I enjoyed reading the same article on ESPN three or four times in the same day. I enjoyed sitting at the table eating Easy Mac and reading the sports section of the Chicago Tribune. I enjoyed being alone--talking to other people wasn’t my thing back then. (I used to get annoyed when my dad said “Good morning” to me, because it obligated me to say something back.)
But on Friday I woke up with a sinking feeling in my stomach: The summer was slipping away. It was going to be gone by Monday, and then I was going to have to spend the next nine months in school. School had sucked in seventh grade, so I was not looking forward to going back. And with that kind of urgency, there was no way I wanted to spend the next three days the way I had spent the previous four. Like I said, surfing the Internet and hooping isn’t the worst way to spend your day when you’re thirteen years old, but after a while you say to yourself (or at least I said to myself), Surely there’s more to life than this.
I was desperate, like I said. And something--I don’t know what--made me take my bike out of the garage.
For most other thirteen-year-old boys, that wouldn’t have been a big deal. But I hadn’t been on that bike in three years, which is an eternity when you’re a kid. I was surprised I remembered how to ride it. I know they say that you never forget how to ride a bike, but I figured if anyone could disprove the saying, it would be me. I’ve always been clumsy: couldn’t hold a pencil in kindergarten, couldn’t ride a bike without training wheels until I was eight, couldn’t tie my shoes until fourth (!) grade. I expected to fall off the bike multiple times that day.
But I didn’t fall off. I didn’t dare go outside my neighborhood, and I rode in the middle of the street because I was afraid I would swerve and hit a parked car (which I had done a couple times when I was younger). A couple cars honked at me. But I didn’t fall off, and that was the important thing. If I had fallen off, I probably would have put the bike back in the garage and never taken it out again. But since the first experience was okay and not terribly embarrassing, I was willing to try it again.
Two days later, on the last day of summer, I took the bike out again. I didn’t have any plans, but before I knew it I was all the way on the Northwestern campus, where I had ridden with my dad when I was a little kid--he had this contraption he could attach to his bike that allowed me to pedal too. It was sunny and warm--a beautiful last day of summer--and lots of people were out, flying kites, throwing Frisbees, sitting on the rocks, lying in the sun. But none of them bothered me. I enjoyed their company, but I was happy to be just passing through them. I felt the lake breeze on my right cheek and looked at the blue water and watched the people.
I made it all the way to the other end of campus and came out in north Evanston, just a few blocks from Wilmette. It was a neighborhood I had been through a few times before, but it might as well have been a different town. I didn’t know any kids who lived up there. I was in uncharted territory. And I had reached this forbidden wilderness, this faraway land, by myself, without so much as telling anyone that I was going (or wearing a bike helmet, to my mom’s chagrin--the thought didn’t even cross my mind). I had never done anything like that before.
Now I just had to get back home. I headed back south on Sherman Avenue, a street that ran through my neighborhood, which to my surprise ran through this neighborhood too. It was a semi-busy street up here--it had yellow lines on it!--so I had no choice but to ride next to the parked cars. I felt a gust of wind from time to time as a car passed me to the left. I worried that one would hit me, but my fear didn’t make me get off the road. I had to get home somehow.
After what felt like an hour but couldn’t have been more than ten minutes, I found myself in downtown Evanston, in a place I at least recognized. On a whim, I pulled my bike onto a sidewalk, hopped off, locked it up, and found a few dollar bills in the little red string backpack that I carried everywhere. I went into Andy’s Frozen Custard, which at the time had just opened up, and walked out a couple minutes later with a milkshake. I walked back over to my bike and stood next to it, sipping the milkshake and watching people walk by. The sidewalk was crowded, but I didn’t see anyone I knew.
I pulled out my phone and saw that Luis had invited me to play soccer again, this time with a couple other friends. I considered it for a minute, then texted him back that I would but I was busy and I wasn’t at home. Which wasn’t a lie.
Truth was, I didn’t really want to see him or anyone that day anyway. I would see them every day for the next nine months. What I wanted was one last day to be alone.
I finished my milkshake, threw the cup away, and unlocked my bike. I could have gone straight home, but something made me head back toward the lake. I biked past the beaches, the breeze on my left cheek now. The sky was bright blue except for a few puffy white clouds, and sailboats dotted the horizon. The sun was just starting to hide behind the hundred-year-old trees and stately houses to my right. I picked up the scent of barbecue, the scent of summer.
I was surrounded by people, but I was anonymous. They might have seen the kid on the bike riding past them, but they didn’t think anything of him. I watched them, peered into their lives, alone as I moved through the crowd.
In the distance, I spotted a blond, tanned figure walking on the path and hoped dimly that he would get out of the way before I got there. As I got closer, he turned around, and I recognized one of my friends from school. I braked the bike and got off.
We exchanged whatever greetings you exchange with each other at that age, made small talk for a couple minutes. He pointed to the beach, where another of our classmates was playing volleyball with his siblings. Neither of us felt like saying hello to him--we would see him soon enough anyway--so we just pretended he wasn’t there.
“See you tomorrow,” we said when it was time to part, and I rode the rest of the way home.
I had been gone for almost two hours. As I walked up the back steps, it occurred to me that my mom might be worried. I hadn’t even thought of her for the last two hours.
She was in the kitchen. She said she had started to wonder where I was, although she wasn’t too concerned yet. She figured I was with friends or something--I had ways of hiding from her the fact that I didn’t have very many.
“Wow,” she said when I told her how far I’d gone. “When you get into something, you really get into it.”
Truth was, I was only beginning to get into it. I thought the other side of Evanston was far away, but I would soon go much further. I had discovered a brand new power: the power to get places by myself. I was free, more free than I had ever been.
Fast forward for a moment: I haven’t ridden my bike that much lately. Winter lasted a long time this year, and my mom has been letting me have the car a lot. But when I look back on the last four (nearly five) years, I can’t imagine what they would have been like if I hadn’t rediscovered the bike. I went everywhere on it. I rode it to school even on cold, rainy days (although not in the snow--I drew the line there). There was a period of my life when I rode it for hours on the weekends, with no particular destination in mind, guided only by my twin needs to escape and explore.
In eighth grade, on a half day of school, I rode up the Green Bay Trail, all the way to Highland Park. I wasn’t really planning to do that when I got on the bike--it just sort of happened. I was so proud of myself that I told my mom when she got home from work. Let’s just say that was a mistake.
So I just stopped telling her. She said I could ride around the suburbs as much as I wanted, but she didn’t want me to ever enter Chicago. I broke that rule many times. She never found out the places I went, except for once.
It was a few weeks before the start of high school. I went out along the North Shore Channel, made my way into the city, and saw a sign pointing the way to Wrigley Field. Why not? I thought. So I made my way to Wrigley Field, and then kept going all the way to the lake and south along the shore. I stopped before I got downtown, but it was still almost a 30-mile ride by the time I got back home. I know how far it was because I put it in Google Maps. I remembered all the turns I had made--I have a good memory--so I could use the directions to figure out the distance I’d traveled. I kept track on a piece of paper: From point A to point B was 2.3 miles, from point B to point C was 0.4 miles, et cetera. And I added it all up at the end.
Well, I made the mistake of leaving that piece of paper on my desk, which was in the same room as her desk. At some point, she looked at my desk--that was a little nosy of her, don’t you think?--saw that piece of paper, and read the words “To Wrigley Field.” She was not happy. She didn’t ground me--she’s never grounded me--and she couldn’t take the bike away, because then she or my dad would have to drive me everywhere. My punishment was a stern warning to be careful, although the tone betrayed her understanding that she couldn’t really stop me. I did stay out of the city for a while after that, but of course I made my way back eventually.
Going where my mom didn’t want me to go satisfied my need to rebel, a need as basic to human existence as food and water. I think that’s the biggest reason I’ve gone this whole time without touching drugs or alcohol. Sure, I’m responsible and all that, but I’ve never even been curious. I don’t know anyone else like that.
Truth be told, I came to need those bike rides the way an addict needs a fix. I craved the feeling of freedom, the clarity of thought, that came from riding, and if I didn’t get out on the weekend to ride, I felt like someone had taken the oxygen away from me. Little things stressed me out, and I felt tired and cranky and lost. It was a struggle to make it through the next week.
And to think that all that happened because I happened to decide to take the bike out of the garage one late-summer day when I was thirteen years old, and because I happened not to fall off the bike or hit any parked cars that day. Two roads diverged at the end of that summer, and I didn’t decide which one to take so much as fate, or chance, or whatever you want to call it, steered me there. I’ll never know what the other one--the one where I don’t rediscover the bike--would have been like. I can’t help but wonder where the next fork in the road will be, and if I’ll even recognize it when I get there.





Hindsight

Hindsight
Hindsight doesn’t actually have 20-20 vision. Actually, he needs glasses. When he wears them, he sees just fine. He can walk through the past--or, if he’s going somewhere far, he can drive--and see it with perfect clarity. He can see the storm clouds, the leaves falling off the trees as the wind blows, the potholes in the road, the cracks in the sidewalk. He wishes he had been able to see them before--he wishes he had worn his glasses before.
See, he doesn’t always wear them. He has this buddy named Nostalgia. Nostalgia calls himself a doctor, but he’s really just a quack peddling bogus cures. Hindsight listens to him, though. “You don’t need to wear those glasses,” Nostalgia says to Hindsight, showing his big, perfect white teeth. “You should just wear these ones.” He hands him a pair of spectacles with rose-tinted lenses. They don’t have any corrective properties, but Hindsight believes everything Nostalgia says. Nostalgia’s glasses make the sky always look blue, and they make Hindsight see things that aren’t there: unicorns and rainbows and fairies.
There’s one fairy in particular who he’s in love with. (Which is kind of a problem, since she doesn’t exist.) He calls out to her when he passes by. But she never responds, and when he gets close to her, she runs away. Hindsight wishes he could take her with him, back to his house in the present. He has some beautiful clothes waiting for her there, made out of the fabric of knowledge and stitched together with wisdom. He’s convinced that once she puts on the clothes, she’ll fall in love with him and stay forever. If that sounds like something out of a fairy tale--well, she’s a fairy, so it makes sense, doesn’t it?
Hindsight loves her because she looks just like his first love: petite, blond hair, pixie face. And that smile--that sweet, innocent smile. He could write reams of poetry about that smile. Letting her get away is his biggest regret in life. “If only I knew then what I know now,” he laments to Nostalgia, sitting up on the exam table. “I would have bought her better clothes. Then she would have stayed with me.”
“Let’s go have a drink,” the pale-faced Nostalgia says, “and you can tell me all about it.”
Treatment forgotten, they walk out to the parking lot and hop in their respective cars, Hindsight following Nostalgia to their favorite tavern. Night is descending, and there’s a cool, wet wind blowing in from the west: a storm is approaching.
Hindsight doesn’t know it yet, but the evening will end badly. On the way home from the tavern, Nostalgia will slam on the brakes to let a squirrel cross the road. Hindsight will have to slam on the brakes too, and he will lose control of the car and skid off the road. Nostalgia will notice, some time later, that Hindsight isn’t behind him anymore, but he won’t think anything of it. He must have gotten stuck at a light, Nostalgia will think. And he will drive on down the road, unaware and unharmed.
Hindsight, meanwhile, will learn not to drink and drive, though it will be too late to help him this time. What he learns then, he will wish that he had known now. But he doesn’t know it now. Now, he parks the car, hops out, and walks in with Nostalgia. He’s looking forward to drowning his sorrows.


Downhill From Here

Downhill From Here
No going back--the flames have burned the forest
Where I’ve come from, and I must keep going
It’s all downhill from here
Careening into the dark with no idea

Where I’ve come from, and I must keep going
To say, to do, to hide, to run, to live
Careening into the dark with no idea
All I know is that there is nothing

To say, to do, to hide, to run from
I look out from atop the mountain
All I know is that there is nothing
Behind me; I take the leap

I look out from atop the mountain
No going back--the flames have burned the forest
Behind me; I take the leap

It’s all downhill from here

Sunday, May 3, 2015

Quarter 4 Independent Reading: In-Process Post #2

On Randomness and Fate


In the chapter of Freakonomics on parenting, the authors describe two boys with very different upbringings. One is white and grows up in the Chicago suburbs. He lives in a stable family with devoted parents. His parents and teachers think he's a genius; in fact, he skips a grade. The other boy is black and grows up in Daytona Beach, Florida. His mother abandons him, and his alcoholic father (who will later be convicted of sexual assault) beats him. By his teenage years, he is selling drugs and robbing people.


The first boy seems much more likely to succeed than the second one. Which is why the big reveal at the end of the book is so surprising (or perhaps not surprising, because why would the authors have chosen these examples if they were going to turn out the way we expected?). The second boy, Roland Fryer, becomes a Harvard economist. What about the other boy? In the authors' words: "The white child also made it to Harvard. But soon after, things went badly for him. His name is Ted Kaczynski."


Levitt and Dubner use these examples to illustrate a larger point about parenting: "There is...a huge random effect that rains down on even the best parenting efforts. If you are in any way typical, you have known some intelligent and devoted parents whose child went badly off the rails. You may have also known of the opposite instance, where a child succeeds despite his parents' worst intentions and habits."


I don’t disagree. Certainly Ted Kaczynski is not the only person to ever turn out badly despite being raised under good circumstances; certainly Roland Fryer is not the only person to ever succeed despite being raised under bad circumstances.


My question is this: what does “random” really mean? Maybe humans don’t have free will and this is just a reflection of the human need to feel like you have some control over your fate, but you certainly wouldn’t say the trajectory of your life is random, would you? You could probably list a bunch of things that have shaped your life: your friends growing up, your teachers, the town you grew up in, the college you went to, et cetera. Each of those things altered the way you viewed the world, or offered you an experience or opportunity you might not have had elsewhere. Levitt and Dubner describe how Roland Fryer became an economist: He went to college on an athletic scholarship, realized he wasn’t pro material, decided to apply himself in school, and discovered that he was actually interested in learning. There was a very specific set of factors that led him down that path. Likewise, something must have happened to turn Ted Kaczynski--brilliant, happy adolescent--into the Unabomber. No one has ever figured out what it was, although observers have pointed to his participation in a traumatizing and unethical psychological study at Harvard, the books he read, and his possible mental illness. But it didn’t happen by chance.


I bet I would be a very different person today if it weren’t for the 2003 Chicago Cubs. They made the playoffs that year, and it ignited my obsession with baseball, which soon became an obsession with anything else that involved hitting, throwing, or running. Up to that point I had shown no interest in sports or any other physical activity; my parents worried that I would be a couch potato. After that, I became a jock. I’ve had days where I played two hours of tennis, ran eight miles, and biked 15 or 20 more. Yes, I’m crazy, but I’ve realized that I’m more comfortable on my feet, moving around, than I am sitting still. I think more clearly that way. I’ve thought a lot of deep thoughts on my bike, and not very many on the couch (although I am sitting on the couch as I write this--maybe that’s why it’s taking so long). I’m wired a certain way, and I think you can trace it back to 2003, when I first took an interest in sports. If the Cubs had been terrible that year (as they are almost every year), everything afterward would have been different. Maybe I would have undergone a similar transformation later, for some other reason. It’s hard to say. But again, it wasn’t an accident that I turned out the way I did. A specific event had a clear (at least I think so), long-lasting effect.


However, it would have been hard to predict that effect. Lots of other couch-potato kids my age remained couch potatoes after 2003. For that matter, lots of other young athletes on athletic scholarships never take much interest in the academic side of college, and they end up with no degree and no chance of playing professionally. Roland Fryer was unusual. And the infamous Harvard study didn’t cause any of the participants other than Ted Kaczynski to become terrorists. Different people respond differently to the same experiences, and it’s often hard to know why one person responds one way and another person responds another way. You can chalk it up to fate or God or nature or nurture or whatever you want.


On the individual level, the outcome of a life is not random. But from the perspective of an objective macro-level observer like Levitt, these odd effects are hard to predict, and they tend to even out over a large enough sample. In that sense, yes--life is random.


Maybe if Kaczynski’s parents had done something different, he wouldn’t have become the Unabomber. But that doesn’t mean they did anything wrong. Whatever they did that helped shape his personality (and being his parents, they must have impacted him in some way) might have shaped a different child in a different way.


Last summer, my dad and I went out to dinner in Philadelphia with one of his friends from college at Penn. We were coming through town on our big college tour of the Northeast, so of course the conversation turned to college. Somehow we arrived at this question: What would have happened if they had gone to different schools? First, there was the obvious fact that my dad and Eric would have likely never met if they had gone to different schools, and we therefore wouldn’t have been at that table having dinner. But I liked Eric’s answer: “I can’t say whether it would have been better or worse, but it would have been different.”

You never know how the decision you make today might change your life tomorrow. That’s kind of scary--you could be messing up your future and you don’t even know it--but couldn’t it also be liberating? There’s a lot you don’t know, and a lot you can’t control, so why sweat it? Just roll with the punches and try to make the best of whatever life throws at you. What else are you supposed to do?